Ed at Work

DILBERT'S RULES OF ORDER

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as
they go flying by.

3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the
first time, chances are you won't need them again.

6. I don't have an attitude problem; you have a perception problem.

7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I
thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

8. My reality check bounced.

9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
butter.

12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy
and taste good with ketchup.

13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level,
then beat you with experience.

15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

16. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before.

18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you the rest of the day.

21. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

22. When in a bad situation, hope for the best, expect the worse and
settle for anything in between.

23. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

24. Following the rules will not get the job done.

25. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
handle this?"

Andy Hedin

By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Filed at 5:58 a.m. ET

BETHLEHEM, Pa. (AP) -- A construction worker accidentally cut off his hand with a power saw and then shot himself in the head with a nail gun several times, apparently hoping to end his pain, police said.

William Bartron, 25, had at least a dozen 1-inch nails protruding from his scalp, police said. He underwent surgery to reattach the hand and was hospitalized in stable condition Wednesday, said his employer Greg Soltis.

Bartron severed his hand Tuesday while using a miter saw in the basement of another man's home, police said. After finding Bartron, the man called 911. Soltis arrived a short time later.
Soltis said Bartron had shot several nails into his head with a pneumatic gun "because he could not stand the pain from the amputation," according to police.

Andy Hedin

01) You Are Different and That's Bad
02) The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
03) Fun with Your New Step Family
04) Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
05) Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
06) The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
07) Cathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
08) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
09) All Cats Go to Hell
10) The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11) Some Kittens Can Fly
12) That's it, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption
13) Grandpa Gets a Casket
14) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15) Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16) The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17) Strangers Have the Best Candy
18) Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19) You Were An Accident
20) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21) Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22) The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23) Your Nightmares Are Real
24) Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25) Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26) Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27) Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28) Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
29) Green Eggs and Crack
30) Chew On This: A Guide to Small Toys
31) 1000 Plastic Bag Masks

pmoneyt

talking about hell raiser

Andy Hedin

The Top 25 Country Songs Of All Time:

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

21. I Bought A Car From A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run So We're Even

20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back And Cryin' over You

13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You

9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

8. Please Bypass This Heart

7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat

5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

4. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few.

Andy Hedin

* (1 star hangover)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a steakbomb and a side of gravy fries from any truck stop USA.

** (2 star hangover)
No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is surfing internet **** and writing junk e-mails.

*** (3 star hangover)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space shot and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.

**** (4 star hangover)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars) your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76. You would shoot your mother for one or all of the following -
1. the clock to strike 6pm,
2. the entire appetizer list from TGIFridays, or
3. a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

***** (5 star hangover)
AKA Dante's 4th Circle of Hell. You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pour and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because let's face it, all you can manage to do is bitch about your state - which is a mystery to you because you definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed, unaccompanied, at your house. The only thing you can do is smoke a bong hit and pass out. It's when you wake up a few hours later with a lesser star hangover that you eat a large pizza, an order of Kung Pao Chicken, a ham and cheese omelet and a batch of Rice Krispie treats.

Ed at Work

You ever notice how much soda stings your nose cavity after laughing with a mouthful?

Andy Hedin

Memo To: All Employees
Subject: New Policies
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Surgery:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

Your Own Death:
This will be accepted as an approved excuse. However, we do require at least 2 weeks advance notice, as it is your duty to train your replacement.

Rest Room Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restrooms. Therefore, in the future all employees will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with another co-worker. However, both employee supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

Paycheck Guide:
The following guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks.

Example:
Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax 244.40
Outcome tax 45.21
State tax 11.61
Interstate tax 61.10
County tax 6.11
City tax 12.22
Rural tax 4.44
Back tax 1.11
Front tax 1.16
Side tax 1.61
Up tax 2.22
Tic-tacs 1.98
Thumbtacks 3.93
Carpet tacks .98
Stadium tax .69
Flat tax 8.32
Surtax 3.46
Corporate tax 2.60
Parking fee 5.00
FICA 81.88
TGIF fund 9.95
Life insurance 5.85
Health insurance 16.23
Dental insurance 4.50
Mental insurance 4.33
Reassurance .11
Disability 2.50
Ability .25
Liability 3.41
Unreliability 10.99
Coffee 6.85
Coffee cups 66.51
Floor rental 6.85
Chair rental .32
Desk rental 4.32
Union dues 5.85
Union don'ts 3.77
Cash advance .69
Cash retreats 121.35
Overtime 1.26
Undertime 54.83
Eastern time 9.00
Central time 8.00
Mountain time 7.00
Pacific time 6.00
Oxygen 10.02
Water 16.54
Heat 51.42
Cool air 26.83
Hot air 20.00
Miscellaneous 113.29
Various 8.01


Net Pay $0.12

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, comtemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

Ed at Work

I nominate you Humor poster of the year!!!!

Andy Hedin

Chicken Soup for the Beer Drinker

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
--by Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- Brian O'Rourke

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

To some its a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group



Have you ever wished you could remember Norm's greetings on Cheers?
>
> 1. "What's shaking Norm?"
> "All four cheeks & a couple of chins."
>
> 2. "What's new, Normie?"
> "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding
> beer."
>
> 3. "What would you like Normie?"
> "A reason to live. Give me another beer."
>
> 4. "What'll you have Normie?"
> "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever
> comes out of that tap."
> "Looks like beer, Norm."
> "Call me Mister Lucky."
>
> 5. "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
> "Like a baby treats a diaper."
>
> 6. "What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
> "The Bobsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the ending."
>
> 7. "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
> "I know, if she calls, I'm not here."
>
> 8. "Beer, Norm?"
> "Have I gotten that predictable? Good."
>
> 9. "What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
> "A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"
>
> 10. "Whatcha up to Norm?"
> "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
>
> 11. "How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
> "Poor"
> "I'm sorry to hear that."
> "No, I mean pour."
>
> 12. "How's life treating you Norm?"
> "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
>
> 13. "Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer nuts."
>
> 14. "What's going down, Normie?"
> "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
>
> 15. "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
> "All right, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."
>
> 16. "How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
> "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
>
> 17. "What's the story Norm?"
> "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
>
> 18. "What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
> "The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."
>
> 19. "Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
> "A little early isn't it, Woody?"
> "For a beer?"
> "No, for stupid questions."