Holger B

I always thought a lot of lawyers were scum, but this really takes the cake.

Yesterday's mail had a letter to me from Audi re my A4. They're telling me about an update to my maintenance schedule. Included is a page that I'm supposed to put in the owner's manual. It says I should "open sunroof to check front water drain every 40,000 miles or 2 years". It seems that some vehicles that are "frequently parked outdoors" had a problem.

Also included in the envelope is a small 7 page court document with a proposed "settlement of class action". Audi got sued over this and both sides agreed to a settlement to "avoid the costs and risks of a trial". Audi is sending out the letter I got along with the insert for my maintenance booklet. They are also providing an "$8 million reimbursement fund" for damaged cars.

Here's where it gets really crazy. For their wonderful service (and remember there was no trial), the lawyers are requesting "$30 million for attorneys' fees and up to approximately $1.5 million for reimbursement of costs and expenses". So, I'm thinking WTF?! How does $8mm restitution and a page for the owner's manual deserve a $30mm reward plus inflated "costs and expenses"? I don't think you can even call this a real problem. Seems like any car with a sunroof that is parked outside could have this issue.

But I haven't gotten to the best part yet. "Plaintiffs have valued the total monetary and non-monetary benefits to the Class in the amount of at least $125 million." So, the one page supplement to my owner's manual must be worth major cash, since Audi is only out $8mm! How did they come up with the $125mm value to justify their $30mm fee? That's so obviously crazy. They must be counting on some completely moronic judge (who, of course, was/is a lawyer) to rubber stamp the request and then they all go play golf together.

To opt out of this nonsense, you have to send them a letter with all sorts of info. I'll be doing that. These clowns aren't doing anything for me and I'm not going to help them game the system for absurd and completely unjustified fees.

Rant over...

Old Dog

This is from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

sterto

no argument here on who wins on class actions generally.

but in this particular case, doesn't the value of the settlement reside in having it added to the audi maintenance schedule? i read it as being something that audi was performing. hence the value in excess of the cash payment. but i admit i didn't read the letters carefully.

Holger B

You pay. They just add it to the list of things to check.

I sent a letter to the judge objecting to the obscene amount ($30 million) that the dirtbag lawyers are asking for.