12. Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!

11. Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must.

10. Feel the force!

9. Foreplay, cuddling. A Jedi craves not these things.

8. Down here I am. Find a ladder I must!

7. Do me or do me not, there is no try.

6. Early must I rise. Leave now you must!

5. You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz's hand up my ***.

4. Happens to every guy sometimes this does.

3. When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmm?

2. Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!

1. Who's your Jedi master? Who's your Jedi Master?

 

Got these awhile ago....still love them!! #1 is best. : )

 

A man was sitting on a train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off
the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After
he had gobbled a few of them down a women opposite him said," Would
you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch".

" Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've
paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I dam well want on
this train."

He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window
and eating the prawns. Finally he finish the bag and settled back for
a little sleep. The women then started some knitting and all the man
could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking
of her knitting needles.

After a while, he sits back up and says to the women, "Could you stop
that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the women, "I've paid my
fare and I'll do what I want on this train". At that, the man grabbed
the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman
immediately stood up and pulled the alarm cord. The man burst out
laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined $200 for that!"

To which the woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police
smell your fingers".

 

They finally released the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E

2% Aspirin

2% Ibuprofen

1% Vitamin C

92% Fix-A-Flat

 

"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a
stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
Really means...
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
Really means...
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a
better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means...
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve,
black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no
chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means...
Absolutely nothing.It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling

"Good idea."
Really means...
"It'll never work.And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
Really means...
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...
"I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
Really means...
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
Really means...
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means...
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means...
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you.It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...
"Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
Really means...
"You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
Really means...
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means...
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no
more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
Really means...
"I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I
ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever
owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
Really means...
"Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss.I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm
hurt."

"I do help around the house."
Really means...
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means...
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means...
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means...
"What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means...
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...
"She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means...
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means...
"You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest
pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means...
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately
that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days
yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means...
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit.I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
Really means...
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means...
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet
paper."

"I'm not lost.I know exactly where we are."
Really means...
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means...
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...
"I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means...
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means...
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means...
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."
Really means...
"It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I broke up with her."
Really means...
"She dumped me."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means...
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

 

B@stard, a$$bag mf, I'm crying so hard I wet my robe, thanks!

 

125 Things Not to Say During Sex

1) is it in?
2) that's it?
3) you've got to be kidding me.
4) (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
5) do I have to pay for this?
6) do I have to call you tomorrow?
7) oh momma, momma!
8) oh daddy, daddy!
9) you look better in the dark.
10) this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11) I thought that goes in the other hole....
12) don't tell my husband/wife.
13) you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
14) this sucks.
15) can you finish now? I have a meeting...
16) I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
17) I think you might get the job for this.
18) damn! is that all you know what to do.
19) did I tell you, I have herpes?
20) now we must get married.
21) hurry up, the games about to start.
22) I'm hungry.
23) I'm thirsty.
24) zzzzzzzzzzzz.
25) are you trying to be funny?
26) can I have a ride home after this?
27) are those real?
28) by the way, I want to break up.
29) is that smell coming from you?
30) haven't you ever done this before?
31) wow!! I've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
32) do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
33) you're so much like your sister....
34) your mom's cute.
35) what's your name again?
36) do I have to be here in the morning?
37) a second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
38) but you just started!!
39) you're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should know!!
40) don't touch that!!
41) can we order a pizza?
42) I think my dad is listening at the door.
43) smile for the camera, honey!!!
44) take off that damn monkey glove!!
45) get your hand out of there!!
46) I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
47) I knew you wore a padded bra!!
48) cover me boys, I'm going in!!!
49) DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
50) Fire one!
51) God, that is small!!
52) hold on, let me change the channel...
53) who smells like fish?
54) is it o.k. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
55) your best-friend does it much better.
56) hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
57) hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
58) you're fogging up the wind-shield.
59) can I borrow 5 bucks?
60) what the hell noise was that?!
61) stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
62) shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
63) you know, you're not really attractive.
64) I'm sorry, I was not listening.
65) what, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!
66) stop interrupting me!!
67) I have to take a ****.
68) did I leave the iron on?
69) your breath is funky.
70) (start singing Green Day).
71) is it o.k. if I call someone, its o.k. though, keep going....
72) its ok honey, I can imagine that its bigger.
73) god I wish you were a real woman.
74) why can't you ever shave your legs?
75) by the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog....
76) oh Susan, Susan... I mean donna.... ****.
77) your breast milk is like my mom's....
78) you're hairy!!
79) your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
80) is it o.k. if I never see you again?
81) did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
82) don't make that face at me!
83) all of a sudden I have a headache.
84) you're boring.
85) I like your ****.
86) suck my dick, bitch.
87) how much do I owe you?
88) How come we each have a *****?
89) of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
90) your *** is hairy (the guy says this).
91) just use your finger, its bigger.
92) does your family have to watch?
93) we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
94) get off me, I'll do it myself!!!!
95) can you hold this sandwich for me?
96) you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
97) the only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.
98) my mom taught me this.....
99) how cute... peach fuzz!
100) Damn girl! my **** are bigger than your's!
101) should I ask why you're bleeding?
102) this is my pet rat, Larry....
103) if you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can!
104) I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
105) I was once a woman...
106) wanna see me take out my glass eye?
107) no I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!!
108) is it o.k. if I tell my friends about this?
109) I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
110) you wanted me to use a condom?
111) you're no better than my brother!!
112) mooooo!!
113) Fire in the hole!!!
114) I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.
115) hurry up, I'm late for a date.
116) o.k. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!
117) you ever see basic instinct?
118) I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
119) don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
120) Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
121) you got boogies showing.
122) (start reciting the 10 commandments).
123) I think I just **** on your bed.
124) of course I don't love you.
125) let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t.

 

due to damage caused by ROFLing in front of various coworkers!

Must go dry my eyes now. Funny this is, yes!

 

ROFL!

 

SecuriTTy....thats agood one =)