A couple of little girls were playing on
the playground at kindergarten recently.
One suggested to the other that they
play "house." She said, "I will be the wife,
and you can be the ex-wife."
**********************************

A four-year-old girl was learning to say the
Lord's Prayer. She was reciting it all by
herself without help from her mother. She
said, "And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us some e-mail. Amen."
***********************************

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a
litter of kittens. On returning home, he
breathlessly informed his mother there were
two boy kittens and two girl kittens.
"How did you know," his mother asked?
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he
replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
***********************************

Another three-year old put his shoes on by
himself. His mother noticed the left was
on the right foot. "Son, your shoes are on
the wrong feet."

He looked up at her with a raised brow
and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW
they're my feet."
********************************
*******

On the first day of school, the kindergarten
teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the
bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice
from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

*********************************

A mother and her young son returned from the
grocery store and began putting away the
groceries. The boy opened the box of animal
crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is
broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking
for the seal."
**********************************

A father was reading Bible stories to his young
son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned
to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
**************************************

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,
Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue
over who would get the first pancake. Their mother
saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, he would say,
"Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
******************************************

A father was at the beach with his children when
his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his
hand, and led him to the shore, where a sea gull
lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?"
the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the dad
replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back?"
*****************************************

After the church service, a little boy told the
pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you
some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the
poorest preachers we've ever had."
****************************************

A mother invited some people to dinner. At the table,
she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth
did I invite all these people to dinner?"

 

Insight into the minds of 6th graders: The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test. Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.

Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.