A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries
and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's
yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

"That will be 9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.

For a while this becomes routine until the two
enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.

" Yep! Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be 32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your
pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was
clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie
appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount
of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but
you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a
Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the
ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second
wish was for a tall bird with a big **** and long legs who agrees with
everything I say."

 

all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Georgia in Athens. They would get together two or three times a week at the Varsity for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the "experience".

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, is on crutches and has various bandages goes first.

"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob Jones spoke next.

He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.
And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTISED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus"

They both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and o ut of him. He was in bad shape. Rabbi Stein looks up and struggles to speak to the others. "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things off..."

 

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from south Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Southern girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES ! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Moral - Not all Southerners are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

 

LOL...don't like that joke...it's sexist and not in favour of Men (hehehe) ;-)

 

I didn't like it up to the point where I was rolling on the floor...:-)