Indy Five Hunnert handicapped...
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Indy Five Hunnert handicapped...
by my pal, Tippy Gomez.
After a scintilating month of flapjacks, tributes, jugglers, face painting, flu shots, brawling and overall non Racing activities, it is now time for the Shelbyville Gazettes crack reporter, Tippy Gomez, to once again favor the readership with some savory insider racing tips. While the month was down on laps, the managment at IMS fills the gaps with plenty of action for real race fans the whole month through. Here now to help you through the maze at the betting window are Tippy's Tips for the 2007 Indianapolis 500 Mile Race, The 91st running of this classic slice of Americana.
EVEN - #10 Dan Wheldon. Danny is down with Indy, it's his personal playground of late. Somehow figured out how to lose last years tilt and feels vindictive in a fairy sort of way. It's not even close, as he has dominated the IRL season to date. Nice to see wind tunnel time becoming so cheap eh Tony.......
EVEN - #9 Scott Dixon. The sophmoric ramblings of Kurt Cavedin which have been running all month are quite comical. When "reporting what others say" (******* icon here) "many feel Dixon cant win at Indy" is quite the laugher. Jockey is fast and would have one last year if the IRL had not have screwed him over. The IRL hates Dixon, lets hope he wins a big race before his harp solo career takes off......
2-1 - #11 Tony Kanaan. Many "fans" feel this jockey is due. Has run very well in the IRL overall, and Indy in particular. Bodes well, seeing how this is the Honda Motor Company Special. Billed as a prankster, but is about as funny as a 1am phone call from the morgue. The best Honda has to offer in factory massaged trim.
3-1 #3 Helio Castro-Neves. Helio shoots for second Indy title after winning in 2001. Set fast time on his tenth qualification effort, and is poised to pay off his work visa over stay fines. Car owned by Roger Penske, a true American Oval original.
4-1 #27 Dario Franchetti. Dashly gets to feel the chrome horn of Indy. Slam dunk Jigger Sirois award winner. Qualifies in the heat, and is rewarded with ridiculous qualifying proceedure which benefits...... the slow guys. That's right, in the IRL its all about the slow guy, including their leader. Mr Judd is for sure a darkhorse, and could very well win it or wall it, whichever way the Yellow God decides.
8-1 #12 Ryan Brisco. Jockey comes to the post for his second Indy effort. Has really stepped up his game by driving Sportscars of late. Machine is a backdoor effort out of Reading, er North Carolina via Roger S. Penske. Brisco is the unknown factor in this years race. Would be cool to see him win it, as many locals have followed his career since his Mount Lawn days.....
9-1 #39 Mike Andretti. This could be Mikes year. I mean that transparent lack of planning in last years event ought to win him something. His annual attempt to threaten his life is on full boil, with plenty of experience and guile. Like Charlie Brown, the football will remain unkicked, as he's playing with a bunch of hicks.
11-1 #26 Marco Andretti. Has not had the best of luck after losing Nicole Manskes set up sheets. Coming to the post for the second straight year. Dont expect excellent results, as Marco could not find a handle in a suitcase factory.
12-1 #6 Sam Hornish. With his Indy win last year making him famous in towns like Piqua and Reynoldsburg, this Buckeye Charger is setting his soul patch to stun.
Have not seen him around little Al, but that does not mean he aint on the bottle. Winners seldom repeat, and Sam has been a PR disaster. Just like the "Vision."
13-1 #7 Danica Patrick. After winning the '05 classic by finishing fourth, Danicle has been sort of hard to work with. Finds herself smack dab in the middle of Hondretti Green Racing. Will wonders never cease? Will no doubt be distracted in this years classic due to the fact she will be looking into the crowd to see if her husband is sitting with any girls of tutoring age. Try to place a bet in which the outcome will be from advancing or ceeding her eight place starting position...otherwise, move along.
15-1 #2 Tomas Scheckter. Jockey hails out of South Africa, the home of quality short trackers. Driving for the owner of the series and racetrack has not helped much of late. Maybe he needs to become Ed's stepbrother? If his car is fast enough, expcet a spectacular crash, it it's slow, uh well,? ditto!
20-1 #8 Scott Sharp. Blue blood veteran has not only plenty of booze money, but an apeass ugly car! If they had awards for hidious, this mount wins hands down. Driver has more lines than Jack Lemon in Glen Gary, Glen Ross, so dont expect much. You wont find a worm in Petron, but bet that Scott can find a wall. No hoper who can find money. Great times eh?
22-1 #20 Ed Carpenter. Jocky has been blessed with parent with deep pockets. Has really improved after four years, so much so that his mid pack status is almost a sure thing. Driving for the owner of the series, and the racetrack, and his step dad, all at the same time! Who says the IRL is not about oppertunity?
See if you can get some action around the 325 mile mark.
25-1 #14 Darren Manning. English lad and AJ, is there a more touching story? Jockey has plenty of potential, as has proven speed in a number of starts on the circuit. Handicapped by the teams lack of re$ource$ and a notion that past glory equals present results. Good Luck Darren, please dont learn the guitar like the other Euro Dork.
27-1 #17 Jeff Simmons. Driver has more hits than the Supremes and has lived to tell about it. Secretly working behind the scenes gathering data for his book, "I was a crash test dummy" Series sponsor also on board this mount, which is out of Baldy's Ohio ***** House. Watch with caution, and remember, target fixation kills.
30-1 #5 Buddy Rice. 2004 Winner Rice get an eyefull with adjusted vision. Now racing for Dreyer and Reinbold Racing, out of Indy's north side.This is akin from playing in the bigs to being sent down to single "A" ball. Winning the "500" does not guarentee fortune, as Buddy can attest. Three years and past his sell by date, it's really a shame. Be safe Buddy. It's gonna be tough.
30-1 #4 Vitor Meira. Panther Racing, one of the original stalwarts of the league saddles up with one Brazilian and one Japanese. BRILLIANT! Saw fans wearing "Meira happens" shirts this month. What happens? Does he survive the buffet with Barnes? Does he run near the front? Does he meet the grater? Stay tuned pikers, this "star" is about to run out of shine. NEXT
30-1 #55 Kosuke Matsuura. When the Apple Pie and Hot Dog crowd of proud Americans over at the back bay of Pedigo Chevrolet need something to inject some pizzaz into "league" races, who they gonna call? Kosuke of course! Never has one man spun more turnstyles than this samuri coiled snake. Asked about how it all came together, Kosuke told us, Misser Hon Barn reen me up, and I back at Endi, I roud to be included en gate American Race, where is Mr Eianhart Juneyor?
33-1 #22 AJ Foyt IV. As a token of appreciation after his North Carolina highjinx, Antney answers Indy's sirens song of glory. You cant become a star at Indy anymore, but by golly if you spend enough money, gomers will come a flocking. It's about time for this wall flower to call it quits. Tony George just needs to adopt a bus load of kids and change their names to Johncock, Foyt and Unser, that should allow the paid for local journalist's the chance to write 500 words of swill in the name of getting along to get along. NO HOPE, NO TALENT, NO THANKS, back in PawPaw's day, a hack like this would not be allowed in a Midget.
33-1 #02 Davy Hamilton. Davy makes a comeback after a near fatal smashup in 2001. Jocky has been racing in the Rolands Retirement Walker League the past few years in order to hone his skills. Seems to be fastest when a load of chipped beef with gravy is on the line. Charles Bronson award winner, who will no doubt prove to millions he is just another also ran.
33-1 #5 Sarah Fisher. Sarah is such a treat! Have you ever seen a driver who is such a treat? I bet Don Branson was a treat! I can imagine that Bob Veith was also a treat! I think I saw Mike Mosley wearing a cotton candy ballcap with sprinkles on top, now he was a big treat! Rumored to pack it in early so Carnagie can wow fans with this personable future TV commentator. Can you do the news in a neckbrace?
33-1 #99 Buddy Lazier. Rumored to be on the grounds after qualification run, but only the shadow knows for sure. '96 winner* just keeps getting stellar work. Field filler with winning ties does not impress real fans. Not even a nice try.
33-1 #24 Roger Yasukawa. Roger gets the call once again to compete in the Memorial Day Classic, once again demonstrating that the "Vision" puts drivers in the cars that the fans can identify with. This guy is a star, somewhere.......
33-1 #33 John Andretti. Back after a short thirteen year layoff, John is sure to sell at least 100 tickets at St. Christopher's Catholic Church. Thus fulfilling the "Visions" prophesy of packing in the local fans! A brick must be able to drive these cars, as this guy is not Rusty, he's been over the periodic tables several times.
40-1 #98 Alex Barron. Back in Indycar after getting waxed in Formula Atlantic. Rumored to be annointed ride by having his own neck brace already. The ground bondo finish with roller black paint job is a hallmark of a well prepared machine. I didn't realize Barron was this stupid, did you?
50-1 #50 Al Unser Jr. Little Al was originally slated for the two seater, as it was court ordered that his parole officer be with him at all times. Litte Arie was however, gaining valuable seat time in this machine, so Al had to settle on a throwback AJ tribute car. Nothing to prove to go along with a mountain of personable problems, Al gives people in recovery a bad name. How many more tears? How many more beers? At 120 days of sobriety, could he even make a pot of coffee at an AA meeting? We wait with baited breath for the next excuse Mr Awe Shucks.
75-1 #77 Roberto Moreno. It goes to show you how many talented drivers are out there, plying their trade in order to get their shot in Tony's "League." This great effort by the 49 year old Moreno brought him to tears. Not of joy, but of fear, as he just realized he has to actually race this tub of **** come raceday! Best Effort at Indy by far this year. Good job, and Good luck.
77-1 #31 Phil Giebler. Rookie driver wanting to add to his resume by doing Indy. Why not, it always looks better on a NASCAR application. Great effort by GoKart Hot Shoe, and in this "League", these credentials are really quite legit. A no brainer for Rookie of the Year, Good Luck Phil
100-1 #91 Ritchie Hearn. Back for more fumes in '07 is the name of this effort. Car is pre disastered out of Hemelgarns garage. Does dead top un-employment? Ritchie really needs to figure this one out.......
100-1 #19 Jon Herb. Rumored to get Tony Bucks on his name alone! Missed out on Rizzala sponsorship due to photo shoot in hanger at Weir Cook. Problem, nobody believed he was really Jon Herb, cause he didn't have on his Kentucky Colonel suit. You have to dig pretty deep to find Mr. Herbs accomplishments in racing, lets hope some grave digger does not have to do the same. At these speeds, THIS IS NOT A GAME
100-1 JacQues Lazier. Jockey still wants to get on the binders everytime he comes off turn two, figures Ritchie Hearn is still sliding around someplace. Guy has deep, dixie cup type talent. Put on your bib Jaques, the feeding tube insertion shall commence about two.
300-1 #25 Marty Roth. The crazy Canadian with the savy business sense. Car rumored to have rope steering. When asked if it was lose or pushing, Roth was heard to comment, "Huh"????? Guy must enjoy stewed beets and catheters. Be sure to duck if Marty comes around, that advice is of no charge.
500-1 #23 Milka Duno The gimmick from Getmo. Gaining valuable experience at the Indy 500 has to make veterans and novices alike glow inside. Milka learned her trade in the ruff and tumble banana wars in her native Venezuela. Touted as having twenty three phD's, yet cant string a simple sentence together. Do they have a large sheepskin factory in Venezuela? American's and Indy 500 fans should be proud as Mr. Chavez's charge gains valuable track time in the Worlds Greatest Race. Make her feel at home, slap some salsa on the wall cause she is going to eat it.
After a scintilating month of flapjacks, tributes, jugglers, face painting, flu shots, brawling and overall non Racing activities, it is now time for the Shelbyville Gazettes crack reporter, Tippy Gomez, to once again favor the readership with some savory insider racing tips. While the month was down on laps, the managment at IMS fills the gaps with plenty of action for real race fans the whole month through. Here now to help you through the maze at the betting window are Tippy's Tips for the 2007 Indianapolis 500 Mile Race, The 91st running of this classic slice of Americana.
EVEN - #10 Dan Wheldon. Danny is down with Indy, it's his personal playground of late. Somehow figured out how to lose last years tilt and feels vindictive in a fairy sort of way. It's not even close, as he has dominated the IRL season to date. Nice to see wind tunnel time becoming so cheap eh Tony.......
EVEN - #9 Scott Dixon. The sophmoric ramblings of Kurt Cavedin which have been running all month are quite comical. When "reporting what others say" (******* icon here) "many feel Dixon cant win at Indy" is quite the laugher. Jockey is fast and would have one last year if the IRL had not have screwed him over. The IRL hates Dixon, lets hope he wins a big race before his harp solo career takes off......
2-1 - #11 Tony Kanaan. Many "fans" feel this jockey is due. Has run very well in the IRL overall, and Indy in particular. Bodes well, seeing how this is the Honda Motor Company Special. Billed as a prankster, but is about as funny as a 1am phone call from the morgue. The best Honda has to offer in factory massaged trim.
3-1 #3 Helio Castro-Neves. Helio shoots for second Indy title after winning in 2001. Set fast time on his tenth qualification effort, and is poised to pay off his work visa over stay fines. Car owned by Roger Penske, a true American Oval original.
4-1 #27 Dario Franchetti. Dashly gets to feel the chrome horn of Indy. Slam dunk Jigger Sirois award winner. Qualifies in the heat, and is rewarded with ridiculous qualifying proceedure which benefits...... the slow guys. That's right, in the IRL its all about the slow guy, including their leader. Mr Judd is for sure a darkhorse, and could very well win it or wall it, whichever way the Yellow God decides.
8-1 #12 Ryan Brisco. Jockey comes to the post for his second Indy effort. Has really stepped up his game by driving Sportscars of late. Machine is a backdoor effort out of Reading, er North Carolina via Roger S. Penske. Brisco is the unknown factor in this years race. Would be cool to see him win it, as many locals have followed his career since his Mount Lawn days.....
9-1 #39 Mike Andretti. This could be Mikes year. I mean that transparent lack of planning in last years event ought to win him something. His annual attempt to threaten his life is on full boil, with plenty of experience and guile. Like Charlie Brown, the football will remain unkicked, as he's playing with a bunch of hicks.
11-1 #26 Marco Andretti. Has not had the best of luck after losing Nicole Manskes set up sheets. Coming to the post for the second straight year. Dont expect excellent results, as Marco could not find a handle in a suitcase factory.
12-1 #6 Sam Hornish. With his Indy win last year making him famous in towns like Piqua and Reynoldsburg, this Buckeye Charger is setting his soul patch to stun.
Have not seen him around little Al, but that does not mean he aint on the bottle. Winners seldom repeat, and Sam has been a PR disaster. Just like the "Vision."
13-1 #7 Danica Patrick. After winning the '05 classic by finishing fourth, Danicle has been sort of hard to work with. Finds herself smack dab in the middle of Hondretti Green Racing. Will wonders never cease? Will no doubt be distracted in this years classic due to the fact she will be looking into the crowd to see if her husband is sitting with any girls of tutoring age. Try to place a bet in which the outcome will be from advancing or ceeding her eight place starting position...otherwise, move along.
15-1 #2 Tomas Scheckter. Jockey hails out of South Africa, the home of quality short trackers. Driving for the owner of the series and racetrack has not helped much of late. Maybe he needs to become Ed's stepbrother? If his car is fast enough, expcet a spectacular crash, it it's slow, uh well,? ditto!
20-1 #8 Scott Sharp. Blue blood veteran has not only plenty of booze money, but an apeass ugly car! If they had awards for hidious, this mount wins hands down. Driver has more lines than Jack Lemon in Glen Gary, Glen Ross, so dont expect much. You wont find a worm in Petron, but bet that Scott can find a wall. No hoper who can find money. Great times eh?
22-1 #20 Ed Carpenter. Jocky has been blessed with parent with deep pockets. Has really improved after four years, so much so that his mid pack status is almost a sure thing. Driving for the owner of the series, and the racetrack, and his step dad, all at the same time! Who says the IRL is not about oppertunity?
See if you can get some action around the 325 mile mark.
25-1 #14 Darren Manning. English lad and AJ, is there a more touching story? Jockey has plenty of potential, as has proven speed in a number of starts on the circuit. Handicapped by the teams lack of re$ource$ and a notion that past glory equals present results. Good Luck Darren, please dont learn the guitar like the other Euro Dork.
27-1 #17 Jeff Simmons. Driver has more hits than the Supremes and has lived to tell about it. Secretly working behind the scenes gathering data for his book, "I was a crash test dummy" Series sponsor also on board this mount, which is out of Baldy's Ohio ***** House. Watch with caution, and remember, target fixation kills.
30-1 #5 Buddy Rice. 2004 Winner Rice get an eyefull with adjusted vision. Now racing for Dreyer and Reinbold Racing, out of Indy's north side.This is akin from playing in the bigs to being sent down to single "A" ball. Winning the "500" does not guarentee fortune, as Buddy can attest. Three years and past his sell by date, it's really a shame. Be safe Buddy. It's gonna be tough.
30-1 #4 Vitor Meira. Panther Racing, one of the original stalwarts of the league saddles up with one Brazilian and one Japanese. BRILLIANT! Saw fans wearing "Meira happens" shirts this month. What happens? Does he survive the buffet with Barnes? Does he run near the front? Does he meet the grater? Stay tuned pikers, this "star" is about to run out of shine. NEXT
30-1 #55 Kosuke Matsuura. When the Apple Pie and Hot Dog crowd of proud Americans over at the back bay of Pedigo Chevrolet need something to inject some pizzaz into "league" races, who they gonna call? Kosuke of course! Never has one man spun more turnstyles than this samuri coiled snake. Asked about how it all came together, Kosuke told us, Misser Hon Barn reen me up, and I back at Endi, I roud to be included en gate American Race, where is Mr Eianhart Juneyor?
33-1 #22 AJ Foyt IV. As a token of appreciation after his North Carolina highjinx, Antney answers Indy's sirens song of glory. You cant become a star at Indy anymore, but by golly if you spend enough money, gomers will come a flocking. It's about time for this wall flower to call it quits. Tony George just needs to adopt a bus load of kids and change their names to Johncock, Foyt and Unser, that should allow the paid for local journalist's the chance to write 500 words of swill in the name of getting along to get along. NO HOPE, NO TALENT, NO THANKS, back in PawPaw's day, a hack like this would not be allowed in a Midget.
33-1 #02 Davy Hamilton. Davy makes a comeback after a near fatal smashup in 2001. Jocky has been racing in the Rolands Retirement Walker League the past few years in order to hone his skills. Seems to be fastest when a load of chipped beef with gravy is on the line. Charles Bronson award winner, who will no doubt prove to millions he is just another also ran.
33-1 #5 Sarah Fisher. Sarah is such a treat! Have you ever seen a driver who is such a treat? I bet Don Branson was a treat! I can imagine that Bob Veith was also a treat! I think I saw Mike Mosley wearing a cotton candy ballcap with sprinkles on top, now he was a big treat! Rumored to pack it in early so Carnagie can wow fans with this personable future TV commentator. Can you do the news in a neckbrace?
33-1 #99 Buddy Lazier. Rumored to be on the grounds after qualification run, but only the shadow knows for sure. '96 winner* just keeps getting stellar work. Field filler with winning ties does not impress real fans. Not even a nice try.
33-1 #24 Roger Yasukawa. Roger gets the call once again to compete in the Memorial Day Classic, once again demonstrating that the "Vision" puts drivers in the cars that the fans can identify with. This guy is a star, somewhere.......
33-1 #33 John Andretti. Back after a short thirteen year layoff, John is sure to sell at least 100 tickets at St. Christopher's Catholic Church. Thus fulfilling the "Visions" prophesy of packing in the local fans! A brick must be able to drive these cars, as this guy is not Rusty, he's been over the periodic tables several times.
40-1 #98 Alex Barron. Back in Indycar after getting waxed in Formula Atlantic. Rumored to be annointed ride by having his own neck brace already. The ground bondo finish with roller black paint job is a hallmark of a well prepared machine. I didn't realize Barron was this stupid, did you?
50-1 #50 Al Unser Jr. Little Al was originally slated for the two seater, as it was court ordered that his parole officer be with him at all times. Litte Arie was however, gaining valuable seat time in this machine, so Al had to settle on a throwback AJ tribute car. Nothing to prove to go along with a mountain of personable problems, Al gives people in recovery a bad name. How many more tears? How many more beers? At 120 days of sobriety, could he even make a pot of coffee at an AA meeting? We wait with baited breath for the next excuse Mr Awe Shucks.
75-1 #77 Roberto Moreno. It goes to show you how many talented drivers are out there, plying their trade in order to get their shot in Tony's "League." This great effort by the 49 year old Moreno brought him to tears. Not of joy, but of fear, as he just realized he has to actually race this tub of **** come raceday! Best Effort at Indy by far this year. Good job, and Good luck.
77-1 #31 Phil Giebler. Rookie driver wanting to add to his resume by doing Indy. Why not, it always looks better on a NASCAR application. Great effort by GoKart Hot Shoe, and in this "League", these credentials are really quite legit. A no brainer for Rookie of the Year, Good Luck Phil
100-1 #91 Ritchie Hearn. Back for more fumes in '07 is the name of this effort. Car is pre disastered out of Hemelgarns garage. Does dead top un-employment? Ritchie really needs to figure this one out.......
100-1 #19 Jon Herb. Rumored to get Tony Bucks on his name alone! Missed out on Rizzala sponsorship due to photo shoot in hanger at Weir Cook. Problem, nobody believed he was really Jon Herb, cause he didn't have on his Kentucky Colonel suit. You have to dig pretty deep to find Mr. Herbs accomplishments in racing, lets hope some grave digger does not have to do the same. At these speeds, THIS IS NOT A GAME
100-1 JacQues Lazier. Jockey still wants to get on the binders everytime he comes off turn two, figures Ritchie Hearn is still sliding around someplace. Guy has deep, dixie cup type talent. Put on your bib Jaques, the feeding tube insertion shall commence about two.
300-1 #25 Marty Roth. The crazy Canadian with the savy business sense. Car rumored to have rope steering. When asked if it was lose or pushing, Roth was heard to comment, "Huh"????? Guy must enjoy stewed beets and catheters. Be sure to duck if Marty comes around, that advice is of no charge.
500-1 #23 Milka Duno The gimmick from Getmo. Gaining valuable experience at the Indy 500 has to make veterans and novices alike glow inside. Milka learned her trade in the ruff and tumble banana wars in her native Venezuela. Touted as having twenty three phD's, yet cant string a simple sentence together. Do they have a large sheepskin factory in Venezuela? American's and Indy 500 fans should be proud as Mr. Chavez's charge gains valuable track time in the Worlds Greatest Race. Make her feel at home, slap some salsa on the wall cause she is going to eat it.
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