chichum

Some DEETZ you may be wanting to know:
Car: 2013 Audi S4 - Prestige Package
Miles: Just under that sweet spot of 36,000
Color: Me Crazy, it's Pearl Black.
Condition: Very Good Exterior, Excellent Interior. See Below for more details.
Location: Either 22204 or 18644 depending when you ask.
Cost: $33,499 obo (obviously bro's options)
Has every option/package except for adaptive cruise control (Has Sports Diff/Drive Select/Etc)
Why you need it: See Below.
When's it available: Yesterday when you took out that tinder date
Camera used: Nokia 7650

Digits: 5706067377


Obviously if you’re reading this you’re thinking, “Man, I really want my dad to buy a badass car for me.” Well guess what? That’s what I’ve got here and that’s what your dad is going to do! So today is your luckier than a normal day. Have you noticed that there is no spice in your life and women just won’t sleep with you (yes, your dad told me you’re single)? Have you tried everything from HGH and Muscle Milk, to the shake weight, to OKCupid and Tinder and they just don’t seem to work? Does your dad continue to tell you how good looking you are and that “you’re a catch,” and “any woman would be lucky to have you”? Yet, it’s just not happening, is it?

“So, what can I do?” you ask.

Well you could always go on Maury and complain about how your sister’s husband’s mother keeps trying to slip a roofie in your drink and take you home to do a little Harry Potter role playing… Or maybe you could try to be a nice guy and buy Jerry from your office a tube of poo-pourri so he could stop blowing the place up while you hit on Maria. Or you could do one better: have your dad buy a new freaking whip and solve all of life’s problems! Got toenail fungus? Cured. Burnt your eyebrows off playing with fireworks? BOOM!!! They’re back. Your last Billy goat jumped off of a bridge because he didn’t want to spend another day with you? Reincarnation is in the future!! AMEN!! I’m telling you, this car has worked miracles for me. I have never been so rich and had so many friends. Women literally latch on to my feet trying to get even a smidge of my attention. I had to beat a woman off with a sweet potato once. Crazy stuff. Did you hear about the time I slept with 5 women when camping? It was IN TENTS!

So now that you’ve realized how bad your life is and how good I can make it (with your dad’s money), let’s take a look at this miracle machine. It all started back in 2000 when August Horch came back to life and designed the Audi S4. He had so many ideas that he’d been thinking about for years. “Let’s make this car a complete chick magnet,” he said. After a year of copying most of what the Audi engineers designed in 2012, they threw a 3 over the 2 and there it was, this reinvented beauty.

Let’s go on a picture odyssey and see what we have to offer.

First let’s look at our lady killing vessel. Pretty shiny huh? And look at that blacked out grille. Unlike rappers, we don’t need no chrome up in here.


“What’s that fancy *** building in the back?” you ask. Obviously not my crib because ladies don’t like no red fences. That would be the random building I stopped to take pictures of the V6T monster beast.


WHOA BRO!! Is that grumpy cat sneaking up for a photobomb?? Nah, that’s just those mean *** lights starin' you down.


Who's a car? IMA CAR!


How fast is that thing? I’d assume you’re talking about the silver bomber in the background. Wicked fast. I heard it goes 0-60 in maybe.


My god! You must live in a tight *** hood! I ain’t never seen a street light that looks like a stick figure! Why’d you post this picture?? Check that little blip in the middle. That’s where some ladies got super excited about my car. They left a little chip on the hood while fighting over who got to clean it. Good thing it’s only about the size of a dime piece. Plus now it's got a bra over it, brah!


Oh SNAP. That’s a whack mother f’in scratch! Yeah diddy, I know. Some super sexy lady took a diamond ring and scratch the roof. Carrie Underwood started a revolution of criminals.


Ever heard of Mister LoudRoad’s Exhaust? Yeah, me neither. I got this pimp *** custom catback system. I got the hook up! VROOOOOM mother f’in VROOOOOM.


Want to know what happens when you let one of your ladies drive your main lady? She makes love to a curb. These wheels are some of the best wheels you’ve ever seen. All good ladies have a few scars.



And even worse when you take her to the shopping mall someone does this. Seriously? Obviously the force field was down that day. Sigh.


Now let me welcome you to the gateway to all of your hopes and dreams. So many women have opened this door that it practically opens itself. Just park on a hill and watch the majik. NUTS.


Let’s start out by turning the SD card on to a little AARON NEVILLE!!! This man sings like a bare bottomed baboon finding his mate! Yes, Aaron, LET IT SNOW!


Once you got your boy ANEVILLE bumping on your speakers, I GUARANTEE you’ll Bang & Olufsen twin INSTANTLY. Hello Mary Kate and Ashley!


Now before you get in, I hope you have your ladies put some clean undies on. You DO NOT want them making a mess of your red leather seats. SO HOT. Transcends the sitting experience. Want to know why the seats are red? Because fire engines are red and they save lives. Want to know why fire engines are red? I read that the reason is because a fire engine has a ladder. A ladder has steps. Steps come from a foot. A foot is measured by a ruler. A ruler can be a King or a Queen. Elizabeth is the Queen of England. Elizabeth was also the name of a ship. Ships float on water. Water has fish in it. Fish have fins. Fins are people of Finland. The national flag of Finland is red. So fire engines are red. It makes sense, doesn’t it? RED SEATS! (4-pack of homebrew included if you're old enough. Can't have no minors partyin' on my dime!)


You better play it safe though. Throw that liquid magic in the TRUNK.


What are those? Oh, just three biddie constraints. They can wait their turn IN THE BACK.


Now it’s time to take a drive. Why not throw it in DYNAMIC mode? You know you’re feeling like a baller. You’re going to tighten those babies right up. Nothing like a little STIFF steering.


Or maybe you need to pay attention to all the lady love you have sitting in your whip. Throw it in AUTO. That **** practically drives itself!


Now BACK THAT THANG UP! Be sure to LOOK at all the LADIES that be chasing you down. Safe to Move? You’ve GOT to keep on movin’.


Don't forget you need to be a straight up mack daddy to drive one of these.


Summer got you sweating like a 400 pound man on a treadmill? Oh that’s fine. Keep it LO with some AC.


Or maybe you’re trying to make the ladies HOT for your HOTROD. Pump this show stopper up to HI. MIAMI HERE WE COME!


Why do you wear your shades at night? Because the sun NEVER sets on a BADASS. (Shades not included. These give me the power to pilot an airplane. You’re not ready for that type of badassery yet)


Gas was low, wasn’t it? I knew it, FOOL. This DAME DOZER runs on 93! Ain’t no 87 ‘round here. You need to keep that in CHECK.


Speaking of CHECK. CHECK YO BLIND SPOTS! By now you’ve learned the power of the German widow snatcher. Ladies be creepin’ up behind you. FLASH FLASH ALERT ALERT!


Yeah, you're seeing things right. No need for CARPET when you got MUD MATS on the inside. Catch all those crazy fluids.


Who doesn't like to turn the seat warmer on in the Summer? Dudes with brown flip-flops, that's who.


What comes after 5? 6. 6th gear with nowhere to steer other than to your mom's house for Sunday dinner. SYKE! Your mom comes to your house to cook. We all know that.


So check it, Roddy Jr – Throw your perfect pushups in the trash. Get rid of that 1961 Dodge Dart you have sitting in the driveway and come get your new life. This ride has made me a better man. It got me friends, a woman, four artist’s rendition paintings of the popcorn button on the microwave, and a brand new pair of double bladed windshield wipers for my SWEET new shades. I quit my job as a SANDWICH ARTIST down at the local QUIZOHNOS. Who needs a job when you got this car?