Tron (///M)

Three men die in a car accident Christmas eve. They all find themselves
at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must
present something Christmassy. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a Christmas card, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture , St. Peter asks "how do these represent Christmas?" He answered, "they're Carol's."


Jay Leno on Terrorists:

You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but
they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster: You are two days late with a video and
these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration."

"U.S. Government has said they are now going to go after the terrorist's
electronic banking system. You know what they should do? They should
transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up his deposits, screw
up his statement and nickel and dime him to death with service charges."

"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words
for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his
money, he'll be dead in a week."

"Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick
Cheney? Where did he go? What, have we got caves over here now, too? Where
did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo.'"

"Eleven members of the Washington Redskins Monday were exposed to a
mysterious white powder they had never seen before: The end zone."

"President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress
announced that they are accepting bribes again."

"The Canadian Prime Minister said Canada would lend the U.S. its full
military support. You know what that means: Both tanks."

"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's
be honest. If your first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali,
leave a little extra time."

"President Bush's popularity is at 90 percent, the highest popularity
ever... if President Bush ran for president today he could actually be
elected."